Frozen Inside
by JenniferLaMontagne
Summary: "We're sorry to have to bring you this terrible news, Mrs LaMontagne..."
1. Chapter 1

She knew as soon as she swung open the front door.

"Jennifer LaMontagne?"

JJ's eyes scanned up and down the two uniformed police officers standing on the top step of her porch.

"Yes…", she said, frowning at the sight of both officers turning their eyes towards the ground, avoiding any contact with hers.

"May we come in?," the older male asked, finally bringing his eyes to look at her.

JJ nodded and stepped back, holding the door open for the two men. She pointed to the left as they stepped into the hallway, inviting them into the living room.

She closed the door with more force than she had intended, and it banged loudly. JJ winced, straining her ears for the quiet cries of her sleeping son.

After a few moments' silence, she followed the two men's direction and leaned against the doorframe.

"Ma'am, have a seat…," the officer spoke again, indicating to the couch. JJ bit her bottom lip, noticing that both men had removed their hats and shook her head, "No."

The man began to open his mouth to ask her again when he caught sight of her face, he saw the glistening of tears begin to form in her blue eyes, and took a deep breath.

"We're sorry to have to bring you this terrible news, Mrs LaMontagne…", he paused as he heard a small cry tear from JJ's throat…,"Your husband, William, was killed in a convenience store robbery by suspects who we're actively trying to apprehend…"

JJ's hand gripped the wooden doorframe hard to keep herself from collapsing on the floor. She brought the other to cover her mouth, as if to stop the silent screams that tore all the breath from her lungs.

"William, and his personal effects are at Memorial hospital…", the officer said, before taking a step towards her,

"Ma'am, is there anything we can do? Any phone calls we can make for you?"

She never thought that it was possible to physically feel your heart breaking. JJ shook her head again, her hair falling into her eyes.

"No," she managed to croak out, her voice breaking, "I'll do it…"

The man nodded and took a hold of her elbow, and gently manuvered her towards the couch, sitting her down slowly. His partner, who had been silent for this whole time, pressed an opened can of soda into JJ's hand. She hadn't even noticed him leaving the room, but he must have gotten it from her refrigerator, the can was still chilled.

Shakily, she brought the can to her mouth and took a sip, the sweet, fizzy liquid running down her throat made her feel ill, but she took another sip before placing the can on the wooden table to the side of her.

JJ felt both officers' eyes on her and she raised her head, looking at the older man who had delivered the news.

"Than-…Thank you officers..," she whispered, nodding at them, hoping that they would take that as an indication to leave.

They seemed to get the hint, nodding before placing their hats back on their heads.

"If there's anything," the man said, leaving a small cardboard card on the table, "…and a visit will have to be made to the hospital, to identify the body and collect his belonging's…"

JJ nodded, "Of course", she said quietly, her head feeling as if she was underwater.

Both men turned to leave, casting a glance back at the blonde before opening the front door again and walking out.

As soon as she heard the click of the door close, JJ broke.

She could feel the soda bubbling up her throat and she jumped off the couch to the downstairs bathroom. Yanking the door open, she threw herself on to the floor beside the toilet as she heaved the contents of her stomach out into the bowl. She carried on heaving until she was sure there was nothing left but her stomach lining, and sat back on her heels.

She breathed deeply, letting the air completely fill her lungs before exhaling. The burning in her throat was now a match for the burning in her eyes as everything swam in front of her. She began to sob, heart-braking sobs that seemed to echo around the whole house, the house that Will would never return to.

Slowly, her sobs turned into screams, the tears still pouring down her face. JJ moved back to sit on the floor, kicking her legs out in front of her, hitting the doorframe. She yelped her foot connected with the doorframe, swearing softly, she kicked it again, and again.

She needed to feel something. This feeling that was in her head, that seemed to consume her entire body, made her feel numb and fuzzy. Like everything was underwater, and she could scream as much as she liked, but all that was going to happen was that her lungs would fill with water and she would be dragged under. She could scream as much as she wanted, but he was never coming back.

JJ felt her stomach roll again and she bent over the toilet once more, dry heaving until her throat was so sore she could barely swallow. Her breathing rate increased as she tried to stand up, red and black dots clouding her vision as she stepped out into the hallway. She slumped against the wall, using one hand to guide her along the wall.

Feeling around in the dark, she opened the cupboard to fetch a glass, shuffling over to the sink to fill it with water when it slipped from the grasp and fell to the floor, smashing into tiny, sharp pieces that pricked at her bare feet, but she didn't move. She closed her eyes as she felt the glass shards slice into the sides of her feet, welcoming the fleeting feeling of pain that shot through her body.

She turned around and grabbed another glass, this time throwing it into the sink, eyes closing as the sound of smashing glass filled the room.

* * *

As she made her way upstairs, she caught sight of herself in the mirror that hung in the hallway. Her face was un-recognizable, she thought, as her eyes raked over her form. Her hair hung around her face, some in her eyes. Her nose was running, her cheeks were swollen and red, some parts black from where her mascara has been completely washed off, her eyes bloodshot, and her eyelids so puffy she could barely blink. There were a few small cuts on her cheeks from where flying glass had cut her, but she didn't care.

As she passed the photographs hanging on the wall, her eyes stopped on a photo that was taken at their wedding, six months ago. They were standing outside, away from the dance floor, the lights still lighting their faces. Will was leaning in to whisper something into her ear, and she was laughing.

JJ couldn't remember through the fog, who took that photo, but it was her favourite.

She reached up and took it off the wall, tucking it under her arm as she climbed the rest of the stairs.

* * *

As soon as she reached her bed, she collapsed, curling into a ball. She clutched the photo frame so tightly, it was a wonder that it didn't break.

JJ traced the outline of Will's face with her fingertip, moving over it so many times she lost count. Tears began to dribble down her face again, and the image of him grew blurry.

She brought the photo to her chest and began to sob again, rocking forwards and back slightly.

"I love you," she gasped as she rocked, "I love you. I love you. I love you."

The corners of the frame began to dig into her chest, but she pulled it closer. The pain that she felt in her chest was overwhelming, as if her heart had actually broken into a million pieces, never to be mended.

She sobbed until her voice grew weak and her breaths grew short, giving her a pounding headache. Her eyes began to shut from sheer exhaustion and as she drifted off to sleep, she rolled her body to the opposite side of the bed, his side.

His smell lingered in the air above his pillow and she clutched on to that too, bringing it to her face, breathing in deeply. She pressed her face into the pillow, and tears began to squeeze their way out from her closed lids, seeping on to the cotton.

JJ's breathing began to finally slow, and she moved her face sideways so that she could breathe. She rubbed her cheek against the fabric, tightening her hold on it.

"I love you so much," she whispered, "Please come back…"

* * *

**Thinking of maybe doing a second chapter, about her identifying the body and collecting his belongings, would you be down for that?**

**Please, if you read this story and you like it, please review, it will take a few minutes of your time, you don't even need a FFN account to do so!**

**Thank you for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Jennifer?"

JJ looked up from the white tiled floor, her eyes searching for the person that had called her name.

A doctor stood in the doorway, holding what looked like a clipboard. His white coat blended into the white walls of the room she had been shown in to. It looked like any old hospital waiting room, JJ thought, except this wasn't just a normal waiting room; this was the small waiting room off from the morgue.

"Now I must tell you", he said, taking the seat beside her, "…you will be able to see William from the shoulders up, as he died from gunshots to the abdomen, you won't have to see that, if you don't want…", JJ nodded, taking in every word.

"You ready?", he asked, standing up and turning to her.

JJ nodded, and breathed deeply as she stood, the churning in her stomach making her feel nauseas. She wrung her hands together as she followed the doctor into another small room.

* * *

A metal table stood in the centre of the room, a sheet covering the body that lay there. The doctor walked up to it, and waited for JJ to stand at his side before glancing at her. She gave a slight nod, and he reached forward, taking hold of the corner of the sheet at the top and pulling it back.

JJ felt all the breath in her lungs leave her at that moment, and she had to reach forward to grab on to the edge of the table as her legs turned to jelly. This was real.

Her _husband_, her Will, was lying on a metal slab in the middle of a morgue, covered in a white sheet.

"Oh…" she whispered as she took in his appearance, his face was slightly bloated and it had a sickening white shade to it. He looked so much like himself, but yet so different at the same time.

JJ reached out and touched his face gently, drawing her hand back sharply as she felt how truly cold he was. Sure, she had seen bodies in morgues before, but she'd never touched one, it had never been this personal.

Tears began to sting her eyes, and she had forgotten that she wasn't alone, until the man beside her shuffled his feet.

"I'll give you some time…", he said, giving her arm a quick squeeze as he left.

JJ waited to the door to shut behind him before she dragged over a chair that was sat in the corner of the room and positioned it beside Will. She knelt up in the chair so she was still able to see his face, and she took hold of his right hand. Still wincing at the icy touch of his hand, she kept it in hers, squeezing it hard.

Tears began to fall down her cheeks as she looked over him again, the sheet covering most of his body, stopping at just below his shoulders. She knew she could pull it back more if she wanted to see the gunshot wounds, she wasn't sure she was ready for that yet.

A finger from her free hand slowly traced the side of his face closest to her, caressing his cold cheek.

"I guess I should-", JJ said, her voice barely audible, wondering what she should say. What _could_ she say to this man, this man who she's loved for five years…what _do_ you say to someone who meant everything in the whole world to you, once they've gone?

"Will…", she breathed, holding his hand now in both of hers, "…I don't know where to start, I mean, what do I say to you- I mean…there's so much I want to say, and then again so little, and every time I think of something it comes out wrong and stupid and…I know you hate when I ramble…", she gave him a watery smile, "…Will…I love you, I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone, you know, I'd written off love completely when I met you, I thought it was stupid, and over-rated and thought no good come out of it…but then I got lucky, and I met you..", her voice broke slightly, and she swallowed hard, trying to stop the tears from blurring her vision so that she could see him,

"...I met you, and God, Will…you don't know how hard it was for me, to open up to you, and even let you love me…I know I wasn't the easiest…I just-…", her voice caught in her throat as she carried on, "I miss you already…I psychically _miss_ you, and it hurts so bad Will, I feel as if I'm not a person any more, I'm not Jennifer LaMontagne, I'm not even Jennifer Jareau, and I don't even _want _to be her, I don't want to be someone, if it means I can't be with you.."

JJ stood up now, and pushed the sheet down to his abdomen, revealing the holes that the bullets had made as they had ripped through his skin. She held one hand over her mouth, and the other softly stroked the skin beside the holes, and quickly she pulled the sheet back up and collapsed back into her chair.

"Sorry…", she said, leaning towards him, "I just had to see- you know how I have to see things to make them real…Will…what do I do? What do I tell _Henry_? He keeps asking when you're coming home and I _can't_, I can't tell him you're not going to…I don't want my baby hurting like how I feel Will…I feel like…I feel like nothing. The last two days at home, I've been like I'm in some sort of daze…giving Henry candy when he asks for it because it stops him asking questions…I lay on the couch for four hours last night, staring at the ceiling, doing nothing…it's like, a huge black cloud has consumed everything and I can't see straight…it's like, you know how you told me about how when you were younger, and there was a power-cut? You'd just walk around the house in the dark, missing the sharp edges of furniture by inches, just to see if you would be able to walk around the whole house without walking into something, I feel like that, like I'm just passing through, like I'm nothing..", she sobbed quietly, stroking the top side of his hand, "…and I know I have Henry, but babe, every time he smiles, or laughs, or says any of the words you taught him to say with that damn accent, he reminds me of you, and how you're not here, and how you're not gonna see him grow any older, and you're not going to be able to talk to him about _boy stuff_", she gave a small laugh, "..Will, what the hell do I know about that kinda stuff?"

JJ whipped her head around as the door opened, the doctor standing there, holding up five fingers to show her how many minutes she had left with Will. She nodded, and stood, looking over her husband one last time,

"I will make you proud of him though, I'll make you proud of both of us…"

She leaned over and kissed his forehead softly, her finger stroking his cheek once more, for the last time.

"I love you so much…"

She kissed his forehead again, and again, before stepping away from her husband, the man that she would never see in the flesh again, only in her imagination.

JJ gripped the door's handle when she reached it, and it took every cell of strength left in her not to run back to him, fling her arms around him and demand that he wake up. She sniffed, and used her hands to wipe at her sodden cheeks.

With one last look, she tried to send every loving thought she had telepathically to him, before opening the door and leaving the room.

* * *

She set her facial expression as she signed on the line at the bottom of the page she had been given, so that she could take home the belongings that Will had with him when he died. She also had to sign another to say that Will could go ahead and be embalmed, and she wrote down the name of the funeral directors that she had picked.

"Thank you", she said to the woman on the other side of the counter as the bag was slid across to her, she decided she would wait to open them.

* * *

Sitting in her car outside her house, JJ reached over to the passenger seat to pick up the large brown envelope with Will's name scrawled along the front. Her hands shaking, she opened it slowly, and poured the contents into her lap.

His badge, his credentials, his wallet, she sifted through all of his belongings until she found what she was looking for, his ring.

She slid his wedding band over the finger that was encased by her own, and sat for a moment, twirling the gold around and around. JJ looked down at the items scattered across her lap, and had to take a deep breath. This was everything, everything she had left of him.

She scooped everything up and put it back into the envelope, and paused before sliding his band off her finger, and kissed it quickly, before slipping it into her purse.

That way, he would always be with her.


End file.
